So I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this on this blog before, but I absolutely love Chuck Klosterman. I have read almost all of his books, and I just think he is so intelligent, hilarious, insightful, etc. If he was younger or I was older and he didn’t have the ridiculous beard he has right now, I would probably be a legit stalker and try to find him and at least have sex with him if not marry him and have his babies. Of course, if he was younger or I was older, maybe I wouldn’t like his writing very much. And he has had that beard for awhile, so I doubt that it’s going away any time soon.
Anyway, I am currently reading his newest book, Eating the Dinosaur, because school is almost over, which means I no longer have to read bs for class that I don’t want to read and can instead read awesome books like this in my spare time. If you did not already believe that Chuck and I are soulmates, there is a whole chapter in the new book about time travel. If you did not already know that I will read anything about time travel, get out of my blog. No, just kidding, you can stay, but really? How could you not know that about me?
The purpose of this post, unfortunately, is to argue against something Klosterman said. I know I just went on about how great he is and he is great, but I think I have to disagree with one point that he made. He said that he asks this question of people when he is 5/8 drunk. What would you say to your 15 year old self if you only have fifteen seconds? Meaning, you could not explain who you are or anything – you could only give a fifteen second message in that phone call to your 15 year old self. Chuck goes on to say that, “But from a more practical standpoint, the thing I’ve come to realize is that virtually no one has any idea how to utilize such an opportunity, even if it were possible. If you can’t directly explain that you’re talking from the future, any prescient message becomes worthless. All advice comes across like a drunk dialer reading a fortune cookie” (56).
I disagree. Many of the examples Chuck gives are about things that may have happened way after the age of 15. Well, why would you choose to say something like that? (Example: Invest in Google). Of course that is just going to sound like gibberish. The first thing I thought of when I read the posed question in the book was, “What was I doing when I was 15 that I would like to change?” Maybe most people would not respond that way, I’m not sure, but I did. And I thought, “I was dating JD.” Because when I was in high-school, most of my life revolved around whoever I was dating or not dating at the time and, to be honest, not too much has changed since then except that I am much smarter and a much better girlfriend. Anyway, I digress. I think the whole point is that you would have to tell your 15 year old self something that does or will relate to your 15 year old self in the very near future. Otherwise, it will sound like crazy talk.
The first thing I thought of to say to my 15 year old self was, “Don’t date JD the second time.” I feel like that would be a fairly clear cut statement to my 15 year old self. Now, let’s say, I said that statement to my 15 year old self between March 22, 2004 (my 15th birthday) and September 25, 2004 (the day before JD asked me to be his girlfriend). Between March and September, that statement would have little meaning. But from September 1st to the 25th, I’m sure I would remember it and think, “…what? It looks like I’m about to date him but this is only the 1st time…not the 2nd time…should I still do it? Who the hell was that phone call from?” What I mean is that because the statement made related to events that would actually happen to my 15 year old self, I think my 15 year old self would remember it and consider it. And, now, my 15 year old self would know that that relationship ends at some point before it even begins, which could change my life dramatically. Maybe 15 year old Meaghan decides to not even date JD at all or to not stay with him while he goes to boot camp or whatever. But let’s say everything still goes the same way it went. By the time March 1, 2006 (approximately) comes around and he decides to break up with me and then March 31, 2006 (again, this is approximately) rolls around and he decides he wants to be with me after all, guess who says no and saves herself a rather shitty senior year? Me, that’s who.
I mean, who wouldn’t remember a statement like that made over the phone? Especially if 15 seconds was enough time to say, “Don’t date JD the second time because it will ruin your last year of high-school and first semester of college.” Then I think 15 year old Meaghan would really remember that. I don’t see why this would be useless. Maybe I was just a weird kid but if someone called you right now and told you something weird like that but then you met the person that was mentioned in the statement or something they said actually happened…would you not remember that phone call? Even if it was too late to change anything? Why would a phone call like that be useless?
It would be even more helpful if I was told the month that I was calling my 15 year old self. Because maybe if I knew that it was March through August, it would be something more related to my first ex-boyfriend about how I shouldn’t be such an ass to him. And if it was after September 26, 2004 then it would be much harder to convince 15 year old self ANYTHING about JD. I could say the same statement but I don’t know if 15 year old self would listen. The really crucial time to say such a statement would be between the first day of school (don’t remember when that would be really…second week of August?) and probably more like September 20th or something like that. That would be the best time. Still, I think that statement would make an impact, regardless of what month it was that I called 15 year old self. I don’t think it would be completely useless.
If you disagree, feel free to express yourself. I feel sad that I am disagreeing with Chuck Klosterman but that kind of makes me like him even more.
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