Oh, boys

Inspired by my friend, Jeff, here is my analysis of the male side of things over at OkCupid. This is the original article, and I’m analyzing the stuff the white men most often listed. Jeff analyzed white women and the person he got the idea from looked at black women.

Tom Clancy – Well, at least you’re reading. I mean, this is not my genre of choice, but I’ve dated so many guys who don’t read at all that I’m cool with it. We don’t have to read the same things, but if you think I’m crazy because I want to sit down with a good book, we’ve got problems…

Van Halen – I’m cool with that. But maybe you only know “Jump”? I mean, I personally only try to list bands that I know the lyrics to whole albums, have seen in concert, or something to that effect. So if you’re listing Van Halen, be real about it, not just trying to be impressive. Trying to impress is never going to work as well as impressing. Besides, I care more about your personality than what music you listen to anyway.

Golfing – Gross. But at the same time this is a “normal” thing – the fact that you’re into golfing says to me that you’re not some crazy anti-social guy. Still, how into this are you? Watching it on TV? Playing all the time? Wearing crazy plaid pants? My boyfriend likes to golf but he never makes me watch it and plays only occasionally.

Harley Davidson – I’ve met people who legitimately like Harley Davidson. And they are not the people I personally want to date. Being into motorcycles and being into Harley Davidson are completely different things. It’s like a religion to these people. No thank you.

Ghostbusters – Again, is this legit or just an attempt to seem retro-cool? I’ve never even seen this movie anyway, so I’m neutral

Phish – refer to Van Halen comments

The Big Lebowski – I imagine this is legit. Again, I’ve never seen this movie, but many a guy I’ve met loves it, so again, at least you’re normal.

Soundgarden – Disgusting. No.

Brew – Referring to beer? Alright. I prefer liquor and what kind of brews do you like? Are you saying brew instead of beer because it makes you sound more classy? Don’t be a fake, man. If you like beer, you like beer.

Boating – Not into it but also never done much of it.

Nofx – Again, cool if it’s a legit love, stupid if it’s not. I mean, there are some hardcore Nofx fans. What if one of those chicks saw this and got real excited and it turns out that you heard one song by them one time?

Groundhog Day – I was not into this movie. But. My boyfriend loves this in addition to The Big Lebowski. So you’re adding to the normal factor again…or at least the type I date as it seems

Hockey – I much prefer guys who are into hockey than, say, baseball or NASCAR. But I don’t really understand hockey since I am from a football/basketball kind of state. I would definitely put this in the plus column.

Jeep – I mean…jeep? You don’t like lambos or ferraris or…hell, even a Nissan. Jeep?

Blazing Saddles – still haven’t seen it, but I know it’s a legit movie. I guess with all the movies, it would be the same – are you being real about it or not? Are you listing these movies that are probably well before your time because you know they are the cool movies for guys to like or because you’ve actually seen them and liked them?

The Red Sox – I SO DO NOT CARE ABOUT BASEBALL. It’s lame. Sorry. I want my man to be obsessed with a football, basketball, or even hockey team.

The Dropkick Murphys – I guess it shows that you’ve heard of bands outside of the world of radio. Not a big fan but I respect a genuine love for them

Megadeth – This is not my music. And it is awful. Go away.

Grilling – Delicious. You can grill me some dinner any time because I do not know how to do it. Sold.

CCR – haha, I respect that

Robert Heinlein – If this guy is listed in your profile then you know what’s up. Only real sci-fi fans would do this and I am a sci-fi kind of girl.

Boats – I really don’t care. And if you’re listing this to comment on your wealth (as in you actually own boats), I care even less. Be modest about your wealth if you have it

Skiing – Sure but I’ve never done it. I would be willing to learn

Zappa – I think this one is definitely just someone trying to sound cool, which usually means you’re insecure/not cool

NASCAR – I grew up with a NASCAR loving dad. But I don’t want to date anyone who loves NASCAR. I’m pretty sure you only put this in your profile to assert your Southern boyness

Motorcycles – I support that but only if you actually can drive a motorcycle and discuss different makes/models you prefer. If liking motorcycles just means you think you would look cool if you sat on one some day…no.

Software – Any particular kinds? Do you like using it, creating it, what? Very vague and kinda screams nerd in a bad way

Dark Tower – I assume this refers to Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. Again, I seriously doubt anyone would list this if they hadn’t read at least some of it, so I grant props to that.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – You best be referring to the book series. If you’re referring to the movie, get out of my sight. But the books are awesome. Kudos to you.

Breaking Bad – Awesome show. One of the best on television. Good job.

Band of Brothers – I did not watch this, but I’ve also heard it was great, so I can’t say anything bad here either.

Burn Notice – See above

Coen Brothers – I mean, really (have you seen movies other than The Big Lebowski?)? If so then, cool. If not, stop claiming to love things just to seem cool or in-the-know or whatever

Michael Crichton – Again, I mean, not my cup of tea, but at least you’re reading. Still – Tom Clancy, Stephen King, and Michael Crichton vs. Robert Heinlein and Douglas Adams…try going out of the mainstream and trying some other awesome writers in the same genres as well

Bad Religion – see NOFX comment

Tenacious D – Love everything Jack Black does ever. Especially Tenacious D.

Mostly rock – if you list this instead of specific groups then you really don’t listen to anything. Rock has a plethora of meanings associated with it, and I take it that you just listen to the radio if this is what you say you like. Unacceptable

I’m a country boy – Well, good for you? This is only good if I am, in fact, looking for a country boy and, also, what exactly do you mean by that? Does it just mean you have a Southern accent, wear plaid, drink sweet tea, go fishing/hunting, and open doors for women? Or does it mean you are racist, chew tobacco, and vote a straight Republican tickets? Saying you’re a country boy can work in some cases and backfire in others but, either way, it doesn’t actually tell us a lot about you specifically.

Building things – Again…uh…real specific. Building bombs? Building fake planes? Building buildings? What do you like to build? And, if so, how does this factor into your life or is it just a hobby? Or is it just something neat to tell people? (It’s not.)

Queens of the Stone Age – Mildly acceptable unless you’re only saying this because of that one song (the only song I know by them too, by the way – “No One Knows”). If the song on the radio is the only one you know, but you liked it…that still doesn’t mean this can be a favorite band of yours.

Mountain Biking – I’m not outdoorsy. But otherwise I feel this is an acceptable thing to list about yourself.

I can fix anything – No you can’t. Or you wouldn’t be on a dating website because you can’t fix broken relationships. HA! My point is, don’t make broad generalizations that are basically bragging about yourself. Maybe you could say that you’re pretty good with a hammer or list some things you’ve fixed before to get the point across that maybe you’d be a handy guy to have around. (But think about this – do you really want women using you for this reason?)

The Offspring – This can go either way. I fucking love The Offspring. But a guy who loves The Offspring could also love Papa Roach.

A few beers – When? How often? How few? What kind? In what situation? If you like to have a Blue Moon once a week, say so! Be specific! But at least you’re laid back about drinking, I guess

Apocalypse Now – k…I’m not watching it with you though

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels – Here we go. I can’t say this movie is not legit. Why would anyone who hadn’t seen it ever list this as a favorite movie? Good job.

Hunting and fishing – See, you could have just said this instead of, “I’m a country boy” and still gotten the same point across. If you genuinely enjoy hunting and fishing as past times you do often, then this is fine. I mean there are women out there who appreciate that. But if you’re just saying it…lame. And I don’t go for hunters.

Most sports – WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! There are so many sports out there. SO MANY. If by this you mean football and basketball, you are LYING. Just say which sports you really get into. I understand that even if you love football and don’t care about baseball, you’ll still have ESPN in the background regardless. Saying most sports doesn’t mean anything.

World War Z – I had to Google this, actually, but I support this. Again, I don’t understand why this would be in your profile if you hadn’t actually read it

Guitar – If you actually play the guitar, that’s cool, especially if you’re good at it and also compose your own music. If you can only play the opening to a Metallica song or you just like to look at guitars and wish you could play them, stupid.